The following list probably provides those “in the know” with very little new information. However, if you’re not experienced or knowledgeable about what goes on in high-conflict divorces and child custody cases, you may want to familiarize yourself with what is potentially to come. Take a look:
- Clean out the bank account or safety deposit box.
- Run-up the account balances on credit cards.
- Steal or sell the furniture and keep the cash.
- Engage in varying degrees of parental alienation and/or otherwise speaking poorly of you to the children or in front of the children to others.
- Share with the children intimate details of the divorce and/or custody proceedings.
- Leave with the kids unannounced, with no forwarding address or way to get in contact with the children.
- Use financial issues to gain leverage with custody or child-related matters.
- File a petition and/or restraining order to get you kicked out of your own home and restricted from even coming onto the property at any time.
- Spread nasty rumors and speak poorly about you in front of mutual friends to try to divide loyalties.
- Move out of state and take your child, claiming that it is in the “best interest of the child.”
- Withhold or interfere with your visitation rights (custodial interference).
- File motions and use delay tactics to tie you up in court and drain your finances. (Win the case through financial attrition.)
- Falsely claim physical or sexual abuse against them.
- Falsely claim physical or sexual abuse towards your children.
- Get a restraining order against you based on false allegations.
- Force you to move out of the house through harassment and coercion, and then petition the court claiming you have “abandoned the family.”
- Claim that child support was not received on time or at all.
- Involve family members, friends, or others in malicious actions against you.
- Deny, restrict, or interfere with telephone access to the children.
- Interfere with your participating in your child’s school and other recreational activities.
- Use your mutual or, unsuspecting “friends” to get inside information to use against you in court or even turn them into unwitting spies. Worse – engaging the children to be spies for them.
- Withhold important information about your child’s health or well-being. They may even tell stories to professionals that would give them “reason” to preclude sharing the same.
The list above is not all-inclusive, but are some of the most common. These tactics are used with alarming frequency and effectiveness to frustrate, outmaneuver, obtain a legal upper-hand, and wear the target parent down and out.
These tactics can be learned through friends, books that are written specifically for this purpose (by those who were more than likely successful employing such tactics, and unsurprisingly, by attorneys. Sadly, it is becoming more commonplace for some unscrupulous attorneys to recommend one or more of these tactics to their clients because it gives them a decided advantage and almost guaranteed victory in court. For instance, if your ex-partner can convince the courts that you have physically abused her and/or your child, she gains a tremendous advantage over you in all further proceedings. The father will be known as a “violent offender,” a person for whom judges have limitless disdain, and they will not hesitate to grant false accuser whatever they want.
Unfortunately, even when you’re successful in turning away these charges and win, perception is still reality in some circles. It becomes reality to some and it’s a stain on you that is hard to get out. It is imperative that you are the one to remain the calm, rational person with your ex-partner. The less you do to provoke the high-conflict ex-partner, the better off you will be in the long run. You never want to be responsible for a situation getting out of control as they will be the foundation for much heartache in family court.
This article should have been published two years ago. Everything listed happened to me during my divorce. Even when my ex was charged with child abuse and convicted during the divorce, i still ended up getting screwed. I obtained primary custody (shared) of the children but was forced to pay her so much alimony that the child support was a joke. There is no justice for men in family court. Had i bloodied my daughter’s eye and sent her to school, i would probably still be in jail. The judge at that time stated that “this is probably the father’s attempt to gain an advantage in the divorce proceedings.” Never mind I was contacted at work by a social services worker and detective from the school. Man i tell ya.
I am sure that in many cases mothers pull some pretty bad s… However, in my case it is the father of my child that is doing the dirty tricks. Filing false police reports, getting an attorney that depleats my retainer to my attorney and now that I am completely out of money he has filed a sole custody without visitation of our daughter and I no longer have the means to fight him. And all of this out of his hatred for me. So please, in 2010 it is no longer men that endure the dirty tactics of a former spouse.
“Dirty Tricks” doesn’t discriminate. You are certainly correct and we definitely know that either side (and sometimes both) are capable of doing any of them.
I am married and have been for 3 years my daughter is 6 and her father has been in and out of her life since she was born, I have talked to him about moving out of state for a few months now. My husband and I took the kids on a trip to Texas and while we were there we looked for jobs and a place to live we were blessed and found everything in a matter of two days which was great news for us because we have nothing but problems finding employment and reasonable places to rent in California 🙁 when we returned my ex and I were going to talk but he took it upon himself to file paper work so I couldn’t leave the state which really was horrible for my husband and I because we found great paying jobs, we have had to put everything on hold, not to mention my ex has done nothing but lie about everything he states he has had a relationship with our daughter for the full 6 years which is a lie he states our daughter has a good relationship with his older son again a lie since he hasn’t seen his older son in over 5 years and our daughter hasn’t seen him since she was a baby. I need help I am unsure as to what I am up against for I have never gone through any of this with my older too. Plus my ex never pays child support but states he has receipts for 28,000 in child support I would love to know where and who is getting all that because it is rare I see any money every since he filled paperwork he started putting money in my account every week amazing and filed an ex parte motion and never served me i had to go to court pull my file in order to see what was filed because I wasn’t aware of this motion filed I missed the court date and judge Crabbs granted visitation to my ex to take our daughter every-weekend until we go to court which is next month…. He owes over 75,000 in child support to his ex wife for his first son and over 15,000 to me and that is just for 2 1/2 years he owes thousands to the IRS and is driving around with our daughter on a suspended license. Has anyone ever gone though any of this?? My ex is very shady and is an complusive liar and makes me out to be the bad guy when all I have done is raise our daughter on my own until I married my husband who takes better care of our kids then their own father’s. My ex also said to our daughter that she is going to live with him and see me again she was terrified for weeks and now that his ex parte got approved its been hard getting her to go with him but every time he picks her up he has something new for her he is always buying her toys he bought her an iPad just to get her to go but can’t afford to give me child support it really is unfair and said that he has to buy her love and affection. Please please someone help me. There’s much more but I think after reading this you will get the just of everything..